I have had a really anxious week. Not for any reason, I’ve just been at the hands of that shitty on edge feeling.
Unable to sleep at night and waking up with headaches.
Waiting for something bad to happen.
Letting that feeling consume me and if I’m honest I haven’t done anything to actually help myself. I’ve not exercised, I’ve ate shit, taken overtime at work and continued to drink coffee knowing full well it makes me jittery. As I write this I’m drinking coffee, I am however in a much better mood today, which is why I’m writing this and enjoying my morning coffee.
The truth is, I wish I was the person who could go about day to day life without anxiety creeping in and taking over my day, but I am not that person. Imagine, living most days with that feeling you get after a night out. You’re on edge because did you text your ex? Did you tell him he was an absolute prick and your life is so much better without him? Who knows because you also deleted the conversation so you’re now awaiting a; “You sobered up yet?” text. Until recently, I had that feeling a good 4/7 days, it then went up to a good 7/7 in the pandemic.
It took me 10 whole years to admit, that if I was being brutally honest I was not in control of my anxiety and I needed help. Thankfully, with the help of some lovely friends I finally acknowledged that I needed to actually get a grip on it. I am a hell of a lot better, my anxiety comes and goes in waves but I can sit with it and let it go. Which is why I’m mad at myself today. As mentioned, this week I have been very anxious but I haven’t done anything to help myself. I’ve just moped around feeling sorry for myself. I know this does not work for me. I have to get up, move, acknowedge it, talk about it and set aside a day to just relax and re-align myself. I have done none of those things this week, so I am the bitch because I have not helped myself.
I think, what I’m trying to say here is that whilst anxiety is part of my make up, it will never go away and in reality it does have it’s uses. I’m hyper-organised and productive, I am NEVER late and almost always early. I do however still need to take time to sit with it, understand it so that it doesn’t continue to overtake my life when it does reer it’s ugly head. For anyone who has had a shit week, I feel you but if you’re honest have you tried to help yourself? I’m saying this out of love and understanding, we do need to try to help ourselves or else we are going to continue to let the waves knock us over, rather than lift us up and move us into the next wave and onto the beach.
If you are struggling today, spend this glorious Sunday doing something for you. Relaxing, painting, reading, whatever it is that helps you get out of the cycle of your own thoughts. We have got this huns!
anastasiacatherine 